6.08.2016

How Do You Know When Your Efforts Have Reached Expiration?

reflecting on efforts

I kept up this blog all through grad school. A year and a half of reading and responding and writing papers on top of scheduling blog posts. I'm not sure how I did it, but I did.

I kept the blog running while pregnant, despite having carpal tunnel and horrible nausea, especially when looking at a computer screen. Yeah, I wasn't as frequent at posting as I am now, but I kept it up.

So why now, when it's summer and I'm out of school, am I having so much difficulty keeping up with stuff, specifically blogging?

I've been thinking about this for a while. I mean, roller derby takes up a lot of time (There are 4+ nights a week that we have practice/training for the team, and then if there are weekend bouts/events/street teaming things, that's more days...), but it's a fun thing and not like grad school time...

And then I have these nagging thoughts... I'm 37 years old. Is that too old to be doing this? I'm not one of those young cute little energetic bloggers. Is keeping a blog like wearing clothes from the juniors department after a certain age... people generally don't do it, or think you might look silly if you do? Do I look foolish?

And then in the same moment I have those thoughts I go "I DO WHAT I WANT, WHO CARES WHAT YOU WEAR OR WHAT YOU DO AFTER A CERTAIN AGE, DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY AND MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN RULES."

Why would I fall for stupid rules or beliefs that you "can't" do something after a certain age? Who makes those rules anyways? I'm a person who will choose to do something specifically because it's the opposite of what the "majority" of people would do. Why am I so concerned with this?

...and then a week goes by and I forget that I even had this conversation with myself (yep, I have entire conversations in my head ALL THE TIME. Don't you?) and then it creeps up on me again. It seems to happen more and more frequently lately. So I decided that I'd now have this conversation right here on the blog so people can know what's going on in my head, and so that I can see it now, all written out - maybe writing it will actually get it out of my head for good, or maybe writing it will help me to see an angle I hadn't thought about before...

I don't create as often as I used to. Part of it is that my job has changed and I don't teach art, so the supplies and environment are not as "right there" and available as it used to be. Also, creating stuff has yielded me very little to nothing from a financial standpoint - yes, I have an Etsy, but I sell hardly anything - I don't do a lot of shows/vendor events because I can't sell enough to cover the ridiculously high entry fees, or to justify my hours of work for such little payoff... I wish that I could do more, but at what point to I have to reflect back on how I've been expending my energy and know when to let things go, when to quit? How do I know to stop working and recognize that something has reached it's expiration point? Quit while you're ahead, lady!

If I do stop something, what do I do after that? I'm kind of a big mess of conflicting emotions right now. I can't decide if I'm just "spinning my wheels." For what? Does keeping this blog make me happy, or am I doing it out of obligation? I don't think that I honestly know the answer right now. I'm afraid to take a break because if I decide that I've made a horrible mistake and try to come back, I might have no one there. But then that begs to ask, am I writing for other people, or am I writing for me? I've had this blog since 2010. That's a pretty significant amount of time. I guess I'd hoped that I might be able to eventually have a bit of side income from it, but that never happened. I just wrote for the sake of writing.

I posted outfit photos as a way to force myself to become more comfortable in my own skin; to face my reality, and to make myself accountable - you're going to photograph this, so have a little confidence, girl! This is what you look like!

Iggy was born, and I posted updates every two months on his progress. I don't even have a paper baby book or scrapbook, just these blog posts.

The point of this post is... I don't know. I'm not done yet. But it is weighing on me heavily. I guess if I suddenly commence radio silence, you have an idea of what happened and where I went. Maybe I'm just having a few weird days and things will just go back to like nothing happened. Who knows?

Sorry to be all weird. Sometimes I have to just word vomit it all out and see where it goes. Thanks for listening.

Rock On,
Jen @ Hell Razor


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